Yet another try

So I’m back. Again. Still furiously knitting and complaining. I have come to realize that both will be life long habits. For example, our asshat of a neighbor, whom I’ve been ranting about on Facebook for the past year, still has heat to cut his grass or clean his dog poop. Yet he can afford pot and a Jaguar. Soooo.. He can afford both but not able to pay one of the many neighborhood kids 20 bucks to cut the grass. At least the pot smell covers up the dog crap.

The Wellbutrin and Seoquel has been working pretty well controlling my moods. Lately though everything and I mean everything has been breaking or just plain not working. The cosmos definitely has it in for me. Ugly, fucked up, evil tempered me has been making an appearance this weekend. I need a name for this bitch…. Like, the remote for the DVDs blue ray would not cooperate but finally worked after slamming it repeatedly on the coffee table. This just added to the rear breaks on the car goes out and other probably minor problems. Too much other this and my alter (good one!) takes over, breaks shit and punches holes in my arms and thighs with the nearest sharp opject. Later, I can’t remember what set me off. Xanax usually helps with these occurances. And running away even to another room.

I’m reading Jenny Lawson’ hilarious and sometimes heartbreaking book, “Furiously Happy”. She faces her mental illness with humor yet exposes the raw emotions accompanying mental illness. We share the same symptoms or traits: moderate depression, severe anxiety, self harm, and the shameful dermotillomania. Skin picking. Living with mental illness is lonely and isolating. Few understand or belittle the sufferer during trying times. Painful. I hide in shame now afraid to admit I’m having a difficult time. Even expressing an opinion brings on comments like “are you freaking out”? No, fuckwad, just commenting!! I so regret ever confiding in you.

Fortunaley, this passes….somehow, it passes. John Lennon once sang there’s no problems only solutions…  No, this doesn’t help…. I know you’re dead Dude but fuck you…. Get your butt down to earth and help me find one!!! Love you anyway….

Still searching for an alter name… Something badass….

Bec’s log 11.14.13

My log: Walked into tech area to overhear a trusted friend making fun of my hip and leg. This hurt and I had a silly thought “well if I had the time, this would be a great time to have a breakdown. I kept moving. I have to admit it hurts. I wish people would remember that words hurt and are irrevocable. Perhaps it’s a cultural or generational thing but this seems to happen in my life, in family, friends, and co-workers. I think I need to remember that my co-workers are just that and nothing more.
On to more cheery subjects. My knitting marathon seems to be progressing at a slow rate. My knitting time at home has lessened thanks to CT who can’t get enough love. Upload pics later.

Bi-Polar…not always a bad thing

Ludwig Van Beethoven
Vincent Van Gogh
Paul Gauguin
Georgia O’Keefe
Edgar
Sylvia Plath
Keats…
Virginia Woolf and
Ernest Hemingway
Me

These talented, creative geniuses have one thing in common; all suffered with personality disorders including bi-polar disease. I have recently been diagnosed bi-polar and now my life makes sense. I was bit with the creative bug early in life. Life was never “it is” and “these are the facts”. No, quite conversely my attitude questioned the status quo. I asked questions no matter how obscure, I asked “why” until I was satisfied with the answer which usually wasn’t the case. At Sunday school I asked the teacher where was Mrs. God. I reasoned that life needed both man and woman to create life. So, did this mean that God is a hermaphrodite? Mom and Dad were immediately called for a conference. They were often called to school to deal with some Becky thing.
I never thought through an idea; what were the consequences. I would get the idea, let’s say, remodel a room. Without checking expenses, I would run to Home Depot (looovvveee) and purchase all that I needed. I would work on the project until a distraction appeared. Then I’m off working on the distraction. These ideas are called “Becky ideas” and are generally met with an “oh, no”. Many of these projects failed to procure the desired results or fell through the cracks. The result would be a downward spiral into depression which would last for weeks.
Once I’m in that depression, I would dwell on all that went wrong or what a failure I was. This would result in huge, gulping sobs which would eventually turn into a breakout. Yes, acne and herpes in the mouth and throat. All would be lost….. No motivation for reading, knitting, exercise because, what’s the point? The house would fall apart around me as I slept for hours, even a whole day. Stress, sudden change, and perceived insults (paranoia??) would worsen the depression.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) along with the right meds have uplifted my mood a little. I’m still crying over the loss of my mother, still crying over perceived hurts (next post), and still having panic attacks over entering a new location. I am confident that I can learn to cope in these situations with the help of my genius therapist, Harriet.

The search for calm amidst the ciaos that is my life

Life has not improved much since my last post. Financial worries and personal relationships are still troublesome and causing great distress. I am determined to take control of my life and keep calm-ish. Coming home to a drunk is still annoying but I can avoid that by scheduling my workout days around that. Above all, I am practicing mindfulness and breathing exercises when confronted with stress and anxiety.

Knitting has always been my hobby. I carry a sock project with me at all times so that I can knit in the doctor’s office, at lunch, in the park, in traffic, in restaurants, and standing in line. Project baskets are in most rooms of the house and my office. And I have way too many projects going at once plus new ones I have going for Yuletide presents. Finding a new project, finding the pattern and yarn is so exciting. It is my yoga and meditation. Not only is it a stress reliever, it is a way to make friends. So Tuesday evenings are spent with a knitting group I have recently joined. I look forward to making friends and learning new techniques.

Here is a list of current projects:

Lace anklets for me-I made so many mistakes that there is no way I’m giving these as a present.

Cardigan for Laura

Afghan for Jan

t-shirt I began 2 years ago

I will begin knitting small presents for the nieces and nephew. Hopefully, a few friends can be included.

Watching the neighborhood from my front porch and people watching in parks and restaurants while knitting have proved to be exceedingly pleasant. It’s tranquil and I feel a gentle smile on my face.

Now to win the lotto….

 

Another attempt at writing

And yet the drama never stops.

Humans are given free will to make choices, however many just don’t realize their how their choices will affect their lives and others. Some choose to view the world and other humans single-mindedly not realizing or caring how they hurt others. I was raised in such a egalitarian family. I left home early to discover and learn other philosophies.

 

My life has been touched by such individuals to the extent that their views actually changed the way I treat others. This philosophy has been my focus so far this year. To start, we had to place Mom in a nursing home. Evil family secrets surfaced that turned my brother against my husband and in a small part, me. Needless to say, his daughters cut him from their lives which adversely affects my depression. All that I have tried to teach them about seeing the larger picture and hurting others have been destroyed. I no longer have them in the summer. I am forced to drive over to their house. I am so hurt and truly feel unappreciated for all the events and time spent with them.

I now think of this time as a much needed break. The money I saved for the summer can now go to household repairs and trips with friends. All my friends live at least 20 miles from me so I now have the freedom to visit. Mike’s family is meeting at the camper this coming weekend for all summer birthdays. As usual, I will have my knitting with me.

This is also a good time to begin the Yule presents. I would like to knit a little something for the minions. I started over on Laura’s cardigan as she has grown quite a bit.

I also enjoyed Independence Day on my own for the first time. I sat on my porch, visited neighbors, and watched splendid fireworks in my neighborhood. There seemed to be many block parties going on because they had the “drive to another state fireworks”.

The summer is almost half over. I have many small projects and trips planned. I now know what people mean by “throwing myself into my work”.

Testing Windows 8 on the Surface tablet

This has been my first post in quite some time. I’ve missed you! Life has been a circus but I will visit weekly.

Today I’m testing the Surface tablet. I have Windows 8 on my production machine at work and like the Metro interface. Using the tablet seems much different. For starters, the keyboard is flat, less than a quarter inch. The micro-plastic covering would attract dust and cat hair, in my instance. Typing is pretty smooth on the snap-on keyboard as well as the screen. I see this working well in meetings.

Internet Explorer 10 is built into Windows 8. Not many sites work well with it and compatibility mode is a crap shoot. Our ticket and inventory site’s drop down selections just plain don’t work. I need to look deeper into settings. Editing my blog is a breeze with Word 2013. This I love. Next step is to test One Note and other note taking software for the secretaries. As for myself, I will test the readers and news websites.

Till then…

Feel the need to catchup

“The love of learning, the sequestered nooks, And all the sweet serenity of books.” Longfellow

It has been a busy year!! I took advantage of UOP’s leave of absence program to take care of my mom, the house, projects, and improved my job performance. My life was out of control in March; too many house repairs, Mom diagnosed with renal failure, and exhaustion kept me from performing at my peak form.

The leave hasn’t been that bad! I am still working on my creative writing skills for the next class as well as my poor grammar usage!! My piled up knitting projects are being completed… slowly. This simple lace wrap is driving me crazy having frogged it a dozen times! I need to do this again during lunch and allergy appointment.

Additionally, I’m taking advantage of extra reading time. I could spend all my time on reading and knitting. Summer is trashy novel time, so far I have read “The Hunger Games” series, the latest Sookie Stackhouse book, and now the “50 Shades of Grey” series. Those books are completely addicting! I’m now in the second; 50 Shades Deeper. Whew! Where can I find Christian Grey??? I spend so much time trying to picture him or find the celebrity match!!

My classic novel for the summer, Catcher in the Rye, is almost finished. Once again this novel has been a joy to read while lounging on the swing, deck, and front porch. I spend my nights and weekends working at bit, breaking with a book or project…repeat infinum.

Audrey Tarver- Act 3 scene 1

Hamlet: Act 3 Scene 1
Movie, 1996, Kenneth Branagh directs and portrays Hamlet. Run time 3:06
The scene opens with Kenneth Branagh as Hamlet staring into a mirror. Branagh begins delivering the ever so popular sililoquy. He slowly moves toward the mirror, speaking in a monotone fashion. In the begining there is no music, no other sound, nothing to distract viewers. Hamlet is both calm and serious. He feels sadness, anger, and defeat. His world as he previously knew it, no longer exists. The anger Hamlet feels toward Claudius is apparent. In this scene, one may ascertain that Hamlet is contemplating whether or not to challenge Claudius. Hamlet seems confused, uncertain, and maybe even unstable

Music begins to play, Hamlet brandishes a dagger, an image of Claudius appears, then disappears. Claudius’ image seems to show fear. Maybe Claudius senses that his own demise is near. Hamlet seems perplexed. He may even be contemplating ending his own life in an effort to stop the pain he feels. Hamlet taps the mirror with the dagger, he seems to regain his composure. Just then, violins begin to play, Hamlet begins speaking with Ophelia. The exchange between the two is powerful. Overall Hamlet is searching for answers, resolution, and the strength to carryout the duty of avenging the death of his father, King Hamlet. The use of the mirror in this scene was magnificent. The mirror may imply that Hamlet is attempting to look deeper into his being, to obtain the answers he is in desperate need of. Hamlet is looking at the man in the mirror, seeking relief from his anguish.

Perhaps Hamlet is attempting to conjure up some type of resolution to his problems by staring intensely into the mirror. Hamlet’s image in the mirror helps to bring his pain and suffering to the surface. The mirror helps him to purge; by looking into the mirror, Hamlet may have been able to rid himself of demons lurking within.

In summary, Kenneth Branagh’s directing and acting skills are superb. Branagh’s portrayal of Hamlet is simply amazing and brilliant. He delivers an outstanding performance as Prince Hamlet, capturing the pure essence of the agony, pain, and despair of this tragedy.

Rebecca Hageman-BBC Production of Hamlet

Rebecca Hageman

Act 2, Scene Two.

Summary

A troupe of players arrives at Elsinore and Hamlet receives them by asking one of them to perform a speech about the demise of Troy and the deaths of King Priam and Hecuba. Hamlet is pleased with the speech and orders Polonius to escort them to guest chambers.

After meeting with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern,  Hamlet is now alone in the room. He curses himself and wonders how an actor could force his soul to show feelings in a world of make believe. He believes himself an uncourageous rascal, moping about his father and not planning revenge, He asks if he is a coward because he takes the abuse others bring. He rages that his father has been murdered, and that he is carrying on like a whore in the streets. He decides to pull himself together and have the players reenact the murder of his father. He will watch the King for his reaction.

Tragic Theme and Devices

In this BBC production of Hamlet, David Tennet plays Hamlet in a more modern setting. The costumes are not elaborate, more jeans and t-shirt. This device focuses more on the emotions and performances of the actors. Tennet aptly shows his growing madness as he realizes he must follow his father and avenge his death, even to his own damnation.

I always found Shakespeare movies reworked in modern times disconcerting yet thoroughly entertaining. The juxtaposition of “olde English” set in modern settings makes the viewer pay more attention to the phrases.

Jennie Scherf – Laurence Olivier in Hamlet: Act 1, Scene 4

In Act 1 Scene 4 of Hamlet starring Lawrence Olivier, the setting reveals a dark, cloudy night. The scene opens with the roiling dark sea, with Hamlet, Horatio, and two soldiers atop a lookout post high above the sea. The prevailing image is darkness. The time is just before midnight. Then loud trumpets sound, revelry and happy music break in suddenly, contrasting with the solemn and ominous scene. Hamlet explains the origin of the party and how other nations look upon Denmark as drunkards because of the custom. He explains how one mark upon a man, regardless of other fine attributes, will corrupt and doom him to the opinions of others. Then the moment once again turns ominous as a disconcerting beat (as a heart) and rising chorus precedes the entrance of the ghost. The rising voices are cut off with Horatio’s frightened shout of “Look my Lord it comes!” The ghost waves Hamlet to follow while Horatio and the soldiers attempt to restrain him, afraid for his safety and sanity. Hamlet struggles against them, his vindication the cry of his every nerve and very soul to follow the ghost. He frees himself and follows.
The imagery of the edge of the sea and the cliff’s edge reveal the delicate point Denmark, and Hamlet himself, balance upon. A tilt in either direction will lead to tragedy. Hamlet’s life, and the future of the state of Denmark as well, pivot when he sees the ghost (seemingly that of his father). Hamlet’s tragic flaw is also revealed in this scene. He is at once determined and hesitant; these ambiguous and warring qualities ultimately lead to catastrophe. The music in the scene provides emotional cues: jarring and fierce with the stormy sea, light hearted to contrast the actual state of Denmark with the pretense of the new king and his revelry, and then tense and ominous with the appearance of the ghost.

Reference
Beoms3, (2010, June 30). Hamlet 1948, Lawrence Olivier: Hamlet sees his father’s
ghost [Video file]. Retrieved from You Tube website:

Team Critiques of this Selection

• Jennie:Lawrence Olivier delivers a believable, emotional, and outstanding performance as Hamlet. His speech is tinged with the knowledge and confidence of a great actor. Olivier brings to life the tragic hero of Hamlet. The mere reading of the play cannot fully express the tragedy. It was meant to be experienced, and Olivier delivers brilliantly.